Is he the best jabber of all??

But I don't want to get ahead of myself, do I? Let me take you back to the dark days of the early 1990s when life was tough. We weren't all grooving to Tom Cochrane's "Life is a Highway". I was living in a Best Western in Lawrence, Kansas. Just grooving mostly. That and doing a little shamby-wamby when the mood hit me. By night I would scour the dumpsters of local disposalable medical supply factories for defective parts. Tubing mostly. THere was a small bar attached to the hotel that served frozen Little Ceasars pizza. I would tank up on Jagermeister, fill up on Little Caesers and stumble back to my room and wrap plastic tubing around my wrist until my hand went purple and numb. Except in the moments when I thought I was committing a series of grisly highway murders in a blackout, I thought I had it made.

That's when they showed up. Nick and Todd. One day I am walking over to the hotel office to try and get them to re-bait the possum poison bins in the crawl space of my room and there is this guy wearing one of those rubber caps that you wear on your head to look like you've gone bald. "Jabber 1#" was written on the head mask in shaky magic marker. He was leaning on a large cardboard box. On it is written, with the same shaky magic marker, "I will give you the freaky answers you know you want for only one amerikan (sic) dollar". And there is a slit, presumably to slide in a question and a dollar. I was immediately infuriatingly bored the moment I saw this pathetic scene and launched myself onto the top of the cardboard box, flattening it and stunning whoever was hiding inside.

The filthy little self-titled "Jabber 1#" cowered behind a parked car as I seized his campaing and screamed at him "You immensely hostile cur!! You will not sully my Best Western parking lot with your testy high-jinks". I grabbed him by the eye-sockets, as you would a large, thrashing pike and dragged him into my room. I bound him with medical tubing, lit a cigarette and sat in the chair opposite him. I left the door open so he would understand that he really didn't have anything to fear, I just needed to communicate with him for a monent and needed his undivided attention.

"Let's start with the whole jabbing scenario. Why does your buddy think he is the number one jabber?"